For children, divorce can
be stressful, sad and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry
at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a parent, you can make the
process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope
with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your
children's needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won't be a seamless
process, but these tips can help your children cope.
As a parent, it’s normal
to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support through
your divorce or separation, but
you can gradually navigate this unsettled
time—and help your kids emerge from it
feeling loved, confident, comfortable and strong.
There are many ways you
can help your kids adjust to separation or divorce. Your patience, reassurance,
and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new
circumstances. You can remind children they can count on you for stability,
presence and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex,
you can help kids avoid the stress that comes from watching parents in
conflict. Such moment can’t be without some hardships, but you can clearly
reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top and most
priority than anything else.
University
Physiology study outcome that depict the needs of Children from Parents:
§ -I need both of you to
stay involved in my life. Please write letters make phone calls, and ask me
lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important
and that you don’t really love me.
§ Please stop fighting and work hard to get
along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight
about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
§ I want to love you both and enjoy the time
that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with
each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and
love one parent more than the other.
§ Please communicate directly with my other
parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.
§ When talking about my other parent, please say
only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind
things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your
side.
§ Please remember that I want both of you to be
a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is
important, and to help me when I have problems.
What to tell your kids
When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many
parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and
your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you
can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and
plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help
your children handle the news.
What to Say and How to
Say It
Difficult as it may be to do, try to strike an
empathetic tone and address the most important points. Use kid friendly explanations
to let them understand your points.
§ Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are
getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick
something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to
remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don't always get
along, parents and kids don't stop loving each other or get divorced from each
other.
§ Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for
them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for
them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.
§ Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in
their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now.
Avoid Blaming
It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but
without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when
there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little
diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.
§ Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on
an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it.
§ Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any
changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is
present, if possible.
§ Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the
reasons for the separation.
How much information to give
Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce,
you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully
about how certain information will affect them.
§ Be
age-aware. In
general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple
explanation, while older kids may need more information.
§ Share
logistical information. Do
tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities,
but don’t overwhelm them with the details.
§ Keep
it real. No
matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the
information should be truthful above all else.
Listen And Reassure
Support your children by helping them express emotions, and
commit to truly listening to these feelings without getting defensive. Your
next job is reassurance—assuaging fears, straightening misunderstandings, and
showing your unconditional love.
The bottom line: kids
need to know that your divorce isn’t their fault.
Help Children
Express their feelings
For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss
of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve
and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings.
§ Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and
really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about
things you may even not have expected.
§ Help them find words for
their feelings. It’s normal for children
to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing
their moods and encouraging them to talk, when you see kids can’t finish
sentence help him/her to finish.
§ Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true
feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay.
If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder
time working through them.
§ Acknowledge their
feelings. You may not be able to
fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important
for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also
inspire trust by showing that you understand.
Clearing
Up Misunderstandings
Many kids believe that they had something to do
with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor
grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this misconception.
§ Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce.
Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help.
§ Be patient. Kids may seem to “get it” one day and be unsure
the next. Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
§ Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children
that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible
for the divorce.
Give
Reassurance and Greatest Love
Children have a remarkable ability to heal when
given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to
remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your
unchanging love.
§ Both parents will be
there. Let your kids know that
even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can
continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents.
§ It’ll be okay. Tell kids that things won’t always be easy, but
that they will work out. Knowing it’ll be all right can provide incentive for
your kids to give a new situation a chance.
§ Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on
the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child
of your love.
§ Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond
truthfully. If you don’t know the answer, say gently that you aren’t sure right
now, but you’ll find out and it will be okay.
Provide
Stability and Structure
While it’s good for kids to
learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new things at once can be very
difficult. Help your kids adjust to change by providing as much stability and
structure as possible in their daily lives.
Remember that establishing structure and continuity doesn’t mean
that you need rigid schedules or that mom and dad’s routines need to be exactly
the same. But creating some regular routines at each household and consistently
communicating to your children what to expect will provide your kids with a
sense of calm and stability.
The
Comfort Routines
The benefit of schedules and
organization for younger children is widely recognized, but many people don’t
realize that older children appreciate routine, as well. Kids feel safer and
more secure when they know what to expect next. Knowing that, even when they
switch homes, dinnertime is followed by a bath and then homework, for example,
can set a child’s mind at ease.
Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules,
rewards, and discipline with your children. Resist the temptation to spoil kids
during a divorce by not enforcing limits or allowing them to break rules.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Take care of
yourself
The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put
the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. The take-home
message: take care of yourself so that you can be there for your kids.
Your Own
Recovery
If you are able to be calm and emotionally
present, your kids will feel more at ease. The following are steps you can take
toward improving your own well-being and outlook:
§ Exercise often and eat a
healthy diet. Exercise relieves the
pent-up stress and frustration that are commonplace with divorce. And although
cooking for one can be difficult, eating healthfully will make you feel better,
inside and out—so skip the fast food.
§ See friends often. It may be tempting to hole up and not see
friends and family who will inevitably ask about the divorce—but the reality is
that you need the distraction. Ask friends to avoid the topic; they’ll
understand.
§ Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings, thoughts, and moods
can help you release tension, sadness, and anger. As time passes, you can look
back on just how far you’ve come.
You Will Need
Support
At the very least, divorce is complicated and
stressful and can be devastating without support.
§ Lean on friends. Talk to friends or a support group about your
bitterness, anger, frustration whatever the feeling may be so you don’t take it
out on your kids.
§ Never vent negative
feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not
use your child to talk it out like you would with a friend.
§ Keep laughing. Try to inject humor and play into your life and
the lives of your children as much as you can; it can relieve stress and give
you all a break from sadness and anger.
§ See a therapist. If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief,
shame, or guilt, find a professional to help you work through those feelings.
Work
With Your EX
Conflict between parents—separated or not—can be very
damaging for kids. It’s crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of
your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you.
Rules Of Thumb
Remember that your goal is to avoid lasting
stress and pain for your children. The following tips can save them a lot of
heartache.
§ Take it somewhere else. Never argue in front of your children, whether
it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the
conversation altogether.
§ Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about
details of their other parent’s behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: if
you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
§ Be nice. Be polite in your interactions with your
ex-spouse. This not only sets a good example for your kids but can also cause
your ex to be gracious in response.
§ Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family
members. Encourage children to do the same.
§ Work on it. Make it a priority to develop an amicable
relationship with your ex-spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly
can reassure children and teach problem-solving skills as well.
The Big Picture
If you find yourself, time after time, locked in
battle with your ex over the details of parenting, try to step back and
remember the bigger purpose at hand.
§ Relationship with both
parents. What’s best for your
kids in the long run? Having a good relationship with both of their parents throughout their lives.
§ The long view. If you can keep long-term goals—your children’s
physical and mental health, your independence—in mind, you may be able to avoid
disagreements about daily details. Think ahead in order to stay calm.
§ Everyone’s well-being. The happiness of your children, yourself, and,
yes, even your ex, should be the broad brushstrokes in the big picture of your
new lives after divorce.
Some children go through
divorce with relatively few problems, while others have a very difficult time.
It’s normal for kids to feel a range of difficult emotions, but time, love, and
reassurance should help them to heal. If your kids remain overwhelmed, though,
you may need to seek professional help.
Normal
reactions to separation and divorce
Although strong feelings can
be tough on kids, the following reactions can be considered normal for
children.
§ Anger. Your kids may express their anger, rage,
and resentment with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy.
§ Anxiety. It’s natural for children to feel anxious
when faced with big changes in their lives.
§ Mild
depression. Sadness
about the family’s new situation is normal, and sadness coupled with a sense of
hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become a mild form of depression.
It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues
about the separation or divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over
time.
Red
flags for more serious problems
If things get worse rather than better after several months, it may be a sign that your
child is stuck in depression, anxiety, or anger and could use some additional
support. Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or
anxiety:
|
§ Sleep problems
§ Poor
concentration
§ Trouble at school
§ Drug or alcohol
abuse
|
§ Self-injury,
cutting, or eating disorders
§ Frequent angry or
violent outbursts
§ Withdrawal from
loved ones
§ Refusal of loved
activities
|
Discuss these or other divorce-related warning-signs with your
child’s doctor, teachers, or consult a child therapist for guidance on coping
with specific problems.
0 comments :
Post a Comment